Sorry everybody. I’m tired, bored, and probably got a bit of the old heat-stroke. So – sorry for the rambling mess which follows. It’s a fraction of what I’d like to discuss with Evan, but far too much for anybody else to have to put up with. I’m too scared to re-read what’s written below – because I just know it’s disjointed delirious drivel. But some bullet points beforehand, so you can skip the rest of it if you wish. I would recommend: yes.
- Summer seems to have arrived in Ingerlund. Hooray.
- Give money to my sister. I will match every dollar you donate, if you let me know. And – you’re not really giving money to my sister – but you’re giving money to the Kids. And you know that these kids will be more likely to want to work in medicine when they grow up, to cure cancer and stuff – so you’re really donating to the kids, AND to cure all sorts of stuff. It’s like donating to every charity at once. It’s a bargain.
- ok heres the deal snakes all of this that you just spent on writting was a watse of your time as well as my time for reading it. Second thing snakes are not things that go around killing things all the time. Their just doing what they suppose to do in order to survive.Trust me on this one. i own two of them and they dont try to eat me or my mother or my father.I bet you know almost any thing about them.the thing is that they only eat onc a month not every day they only eat what they need for that one time.Oh all of that stuff about making them extinct yea no here loke at it this way what if there was a being that didnt like us hu. that wanted us extinct that sounds nice hu?Oh and how long where they on earth be fore we even lerned how to even walke on two legs and then because of your little fear of these animals it give you the god given wright to kill all of them off no it doesnt so there you go Oh one more thing I LOVE SNAKES so there you go get over it panzy
As you may notice – I decided not to edit the piece – as I honestly would have no idea where to begin.
At first – I thought “evan smith” was a certain person I know trying to wind me up. Although I figured I was being quite generous in granting this person the possession of the imagination it would require to create the above.
So – before we get to dissecting his counter-view on snakes – let’s examine what we know about “evan smith” the person.
- “evan smith” calls himself “evan smith”
- yet “evan smith” has an email address named not “evan smith”, but rather after an anime/manga character
- “evan smith” utilises an Internet Provider based in Alabama – which is one of the so-called ‘United States of America’
- “evan smith” uses “myspace.com” as his URL
- “evan smith” likes snakes
So – what conclusions can we come to? Now – I’m torn between being honest here, or being kind. I mean – it is kinda like kicking a puppy, isn’t it? But – I think we can all be fairly safe that “evan” isn’t going to read this. So – my next fear is the amount of other people I’m going to offend. I’ll tell you what everybody – before you get offended – here’s my official response to “evan” – which you can take to be directed at yourself also:
“Very sorry evan – that I disparaged snakes, which obviously mean a lot to you. Please accept my apology – and believe me when I say that anything I write here under the tag of ‘Rants’ should not, I repeat NOT, be taken seriously. I will use unfair stereotypes, generalisations, exaggeration – and sometimes outright lies – in order to support whatever nonsense I am spouting. Except when it comes to snakes. Snakes are nasty.”
Right – back to figuring out what makes “evan smith” tick…
Okay – he’s from Alabama. I did a quick search for famous people from Alabama – to see what kind of people this area produces. The list was dominated by two definitions: “NASCAR driver”, and “white supermacist and co-conspirator in the 16th Street Baptist Church Bombing”. Next, I try to narrow it to musicians – as I like to propogate a very simple (and very simplistic) theory that one can judge states by their main musical export eg: New Zealand = Crowded House. Australia = Akka Dakka. Anyway – Alabama… Wikipedia lists two subcategories under “Musican groups from Alabama” – these are “Alabama Heavy Metal musical groups” and “Alabama rock music groups”. I’ve found all I need to know about Alabama, I think. I mean when Neil Young sang about her, I hear old Neil put her down.
Oh – sorry – one more thing I felt necessary to research about Alabama. After re-reading evan’s written piece – I felt a sudden urge to do a quick check on education in Alabama. An interesting fact: I found that Mississippi has the lowest high school graduation rate in the ‘United States of America’. But back to Alabama. Well… Alabama can be proud to have a higher rate of high school graduation than Mississippi.
So – at this point, we know there is a 25% chance that evan has not, and never will, graduate high school (based solely on state-wide statistics, ignoring other evidence such as his style of prose). But in case he’s still hoping (fingers crossed buddy) – here’s a few pointers:
- That first scramble of words until the first full-top… I don’t know what that is, and I’m not sure how to help with that bit sorry.
- “writting” & “watse” are not words – I think you meant “writing” & “waste” – perhaps simple typographical errors? Fair enough.
- This one is for everybody – please don’t use “Their” when you mean “They’re”, or vice versa. It may seem like punctuation/spelling prudery – and sure, it may be. But – it IS wrong. Which means that if somebody knows the correct meaning of punctuation/spelling – an initial reading just makes no sense. Take note: “Their” is a possessive adjective. Or – in Alabama english, it is used when “They” own something. So – one might say “The Irish hired a crazy Scotsman named Patrick to get rid of all the snakes, because the vicious little serpentine bastards were eating all their babies”. Or – to make it easier – just remember the correct meaning of “They’re”. This is the easiest one to remember – because it’s actually two words, both of which I’m sure you know. “They” & “are”. The apostrophe has been used to replace the “a” so that us lazy folks can amalgamate the two words into one syllable. Okay? “they’re” = “they are”. Easy. “I hate snakes because they are cold-blooded killers” = “I think we should eradicate all snakes becauase they’re obsolete in the modern ecosystem” I will leave it to you to figure out what “there” means. But here’s a hint – it’s spelt like “here” – but with another letter.
- Time out: sorry about that little outburst. But the whole their/they’re/there thing really does get to me. I honestly have to re-read any sentence with errors in it a couple of times – because I’m just assuming it will be written in English. My own punctuation/spelling is not perfect – I accept that, and I’m sure some of you will be able to put together a dozen or so mistakes from this post. Go on then, jerk. But at least I try. I do the English.
- The word “i” should always be capitalised. That means it will be big and tall, like so: “I”. You’re big and tall, aren’t you evan? Then make your “I” big and tall and strong. Also – it just rubs salt into the wound when it’s also the first word of the sentence. You know that the first word of a sentence should be capitalised, don’t you evan? Did you think that if there are two rules both saying that a word should be capitalised – then they cancel each other out? They don’t, evan – they don’t.
- Speaking of which, evan, why don’t you capitalise your name? You should, you know – it makes one seem like a real person. Are you a fan of ee cummings, perhaps? Something makes me think not so. Anyway – those stories about him legally changing his name to remove the capitalisation are all lies. He just signed some poems withough capitalisation – perhaps because he was lazy, perhaps out of humility when he’d realise it was shit. Anyway – he was a yankee. You don’t want to imitate a dirty yankee, do you Evan? You’re a good solid southern dust-kickin’ boy, ain’t ya Evan?
- “I bet you know almost any thing about them.” – I’m going to interpret this as poetry Evan. I think your intention is clear, and it is portrayed in a most lyrical manner. I bet you know almost any thing about them. Beautiful.
- Okay – your closing statement, or series of statements. “Oh all of that stuff about making them extinct yea no here loke at it this way what if there was a being that didnt like us hu. that wanted us extinct that sounds nice hu?Oh and how long where they on earth be fore we even lerned how to even walke on two legs and then because of your little fear of these animals it give you the god given wright to kill all of them off no it doesnt so there you go Oh one more thing I LOVE SNAKES so there you go get over it panzy“. Once again – poetry. But I would like a little more structure here Evan. I’m not sure when to pause for breath. Or is that the point? Regardless – get rid of the “w” from “wright”. Remove the space from “be fore”. Strip the “e” from “walke”. Maybe add an “h” to “yea” – but maybe that’s a dialect thing. No biggie. I assume “loke” is supposed to be “look”. I don’t know what “hu.” is – or if the full-stop is in the right place. That bit really does confuse me quite a bit. I think I’ve decided it’s supposed to be “huh?” – considering the context of both this and the subsequent appearance. Finally, try spelling “lerned” as “learnt”. I know – all very pedantic – but seriously, it helps Evan. It helps.
- I didn’t want to split up the last piece – so included it all above, but I think I can safely say that the following can be logically seperated for the purpose of discussion: “Oh one more thing I LOVE SNAKES so there you go get over it panzy“ Yes, well. Firstly Evan – please be careful. Snakes are not capable of emotion. They do NOT love you back. They may pretend to. Oh – they will pretend to love you. But then one night – you, your mother, your father – everybody – will be found lying dead in your caravan/trailer – one little snake mouthful taken from you – to keep your little snake fed for a month while it makes it’s getaway. I’m telling this to you as a friend Evan. Despite, or perhaps because, of you calling me a panzy. Is this a very clever joke Evan? Have you surplaced the central hinge of the word “pansy” with the initials of my homeland – creating the word “paNZy”? Very good Evan, very clever.
So – pedantry over. It’s for Evan’s own good. He needs to know these things, to become not just another Alabama statistic.
And Evan – what up with anime/manga? That stuff will rot your brain. The Japanese are crazy Evan – absolutely batshit insane. Don’t trust them. Remember Pearl Harbour Evan? The Japanese were responsible for that. Oh yes – without the Japanese, Ben Affleck might have faded into obscurity, and we’d never have to have seen his smug fat face ever again. But no – that’s not the case, is it Admiral Yamamoto? Sorry Evan – Affleck works me up as bad as poor punctuation. Anyway – manga. It’s sick. It will undermine your good fine true christian american beliefs. How can you believe that God the father of Jeebers personally spoke to George W. and told him to invade Iraq – when your mind is full of teenage girl ninja warriors being seduced by metallic tentacled monsters? Oh no – Evan, the Fox News syndicate would not approve at all. Violence Jack is not a good role model. Whoever is on Pop Idol/X-Factor – there’s a role model. And you’ve got the same taste in anime/manga characters as Richard Gere. That’s not cool, Evan. Namine, Haruno Sakura – gay. And – please, would anybody call themselves Roy Mustang unless they were over-compensating for something? (Sorry Evan – I’m making all that up. I don’t know anything about those characters – they may be fully bad-ass MFs. Except Roy Mustang – that’s definitely covering for distinct lack of testosterone.)
- If anybody’s got any words of encouragement for Evan – I can pass them on. Urge him to give high school another go? Wish him condolences on the upcoming murder of his family by his beloved pets? Or just put in an order for some moonshine? You just know he’s got the good stuff. Whatever y’all feel.
- Snakes still suck. An unnecessary evil. The bad guys in ‘Arry Potter – what’s their emblem & favourite animal and what-not? Snake. The criminal in The Simpsons – what’s his name? Snake. What’s the one thing Junior Jones is afraid of? Snakes. Bad guy in Karate Kid III? Snake. Villain in Powerpuff Girls? Snake. Villain in pretty much every single B-grade movie? Snake.
- Further rebuttal eagerly anticipated.